Friends accidentally insulting you by saying things like “When I was sleeping around, it was such a sad and empty time.” Wow, thanks, I didn’t realize you were on such a higher spiritual plane than me for sleeping next to your gassy boyfriend all night.
1. Getting late-night “whats up” texts and having no idea who they’re from. Are you a ghost? Are you my mom’s friend Janet? Or are you that dude I had sex with like four months ago whose number I deleted because he said “Jeah.”
2. Anxiety attacks every time you wait for the gynecologist to give you your STD test results. Even though you always use condoms. Step right up, it’s time to play that classic game show “Ingrown Hair Follicle Or Herpes!”
3. Having to have an STD conversation with every new sex partner. Nothing sexier right before sex than reassuring each other that you’re clean.
4. Not realizing you were going to have sex, so not bringing fresh underwear in your purse. It’s that not-so-clean feeling.
5. Or a toothbrush. Same.
6. Or eye makeup remover. So you roll up to work looking like a Sex Raccoon.
7. The thing where you wear a cute outfit to a party, stay over at a guy’s house unexpectedly, and have to go to work in 20 degree weather in a miniskirt and sweater the next morning.And everyone’s smirking at you because they KNOW.
8. Friends accidentally insulting you by saying things like “When I was sleeping around, it was such a sad and empty time.” Wow, thanks, I didn’t realize you were on such a higher spiritual plane than me for sleeping next to your gassy boyfriend all night.
9. Never knowing when you need to clean your apartment.Sometimes you clean it and the guy bails. Other times, you let it slide for three weeks, and BAM, the hottest guy ever is on his way over and you are frantically Swiffer Wet Jetting the floor.
10. Other women acting distrustful of you because you could potentially have sex with their boyfriends. No, thanks.
11. Wondering if it’s too rude to ask him to leave after sex because you just sleep so much better when you can starfish in your queen bed by yourself. But really, he should know better than to stay.
12. Needing to change your sheets frequently. Because when you have a boyfriend, you feel more comfortable with being gross.
13. Being convinced you are pregnant when your period is one hour late even though you used a condom and you’re on the pill/have an IUD. Oh please let me not be pregnant. God of fertility, hear my pleas, I LAY MYSELF ON THE GROUND PROSTRATE BEFORE THEE.
14. Having to have access to condoms, whether you or he provides them. And then when he’s like “No, I need a Magnum,” and you’re like LOLOLOL.
15. That awkward moment when he runs into your roommate by the bathroom. And you thought you had timed it so it would be awkward-free!
16. Having to make morning conversation after you’ve basically realized you have nothing in common. “So did you say you were in finance?” “Marketing.” “Oh.” “What about you?” “I’m a paralegal.” “Do you like it?” “Yeah.” **tumbleweed**
17. Realizing as it gets light out that this guy is not even cute. The berth between “Ryan Gosling” and “upright bloated corpse” is approximately 3 a.m. to 7 a.m.
18. Dealing with the obnoxious male assumption that you’re always looking for something serious. We barely know each other and you think I want to marry you. Slow your roll.
19. Getting “disclaimers” from guys you’re not even interested in a long-term relationship with. That’s great that you need to “focus on your career” and “aren’t looking for anything serious right now,” but save it for someone who’s invested in something more than your dick.
20. Not being able to engage in and/or being bored by friends’ long conversations about their boyfriends. ”Max did something soooo cute the other day — he brought me an omelet in bed and hid diamonds in it.” “OMG really? Yesterday Dan did something soooo cute too. He played me an entire set of Dave Matthews Band covers on the kazoo and dedicated them to our great love.” “Um… I went out with a guy who had a creepy earring the other day?” **silence**
21. Needing to be conscious of body hair maintenance, whatever that means to you. Whether it be just leg-and-pit shaving or bikini-area torture.
22. When guys want to cuddle with you even if it’s a one-night stand. What… are you doing.
23. When you’re on your period. Casual sex and period sex don’t mix.
24. Knowing you should probably leave early when all you want to do is sleep in. You just keep saying to yourself: I’ll nap in my own bed when I get home. I’ll nap in my own bed when I get home.
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